He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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