Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
