You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
