I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
