Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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