Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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