I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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