WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I did not marry a roomba.
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