If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize