you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
