Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
