Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
