Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
