I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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