the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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