Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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