I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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