I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
