Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
