It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How does one acquire holy water?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
