Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
