I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
