he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
