I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
