I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
