im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
