In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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