im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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