Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
