I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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