my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
