Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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