I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
