He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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