some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize