seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
