Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize