i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
