everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
