he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
