he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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