So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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