one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
