She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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