So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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