Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize