You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
