I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize