Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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