Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
