My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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