I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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