no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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