Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
