Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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