my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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