oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
did i walk over a car last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
