My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
